Chapter Twenty-one
Light pierced the night like needles through fabric, like heat against my closed lids. Even before I opened them I could hear him speak almost as if he were next to me.
The few times I had experienced it I had learned messaging had nothing to do with mind control.
As he spoke, his voice was all around me rather than between my ears. It reverbed off the walls and made the air tremble – a curious thing which moved only the world around me and myself.
And topmost what distinguished his voice of my conscience was his tone. They were nothing alike. “I need to talk to you.” Almost like all the malevolence in his tone had only been imaginary.
“Do not bother waking up your friends,” he said knowingly. “I know you are not home.”
“How?” I breathed, shivering. “Where are you?”
“Look outside,” he whispered, a trace of smile in his voice. “And you will find me.”
I took slow, rigid steps towards the kitchen window and pulled the thick curtains aside. I didn’t know what kind of a landscape I had been imagining – I had, after all, come out of a closet. Nolan’s apartment was in the second floor of a red ocher building. The dark streets were lit with flickering, constantly burning lanterns, Fera’s face shining ghastly as he stood on the opposite side of the alley, his eyes fixed straight on me.
“How?” I breathed, shivering. “Where are you?”
“Look outside,” he whispered, a trace of smile in his voice. “And you will find me.”
I took slow, rigid steps towards the kitchen window and pulled the thick curtains aside. I didn’t know what kind of a landscape I had been imagining – I had, after all, come out of a closet. Nolan’s apartment was in the second floor of a red ocher building. The dark streets were lit with flickering, constantly burning lanterns, Fera’s face shining ghastly as he stood on the opposite side of the alley, his eyes fixed straight on me.
“Hello,” he said, and even though he was on the other side of the glass a floor below it was as if he spoke in the same room.
“I can’t get out,” I voiced, pointing towards a heavy set of wooden, iron barred double doors. They were the type of doors which would take three people to open. “Without waking somebody up.”
“Open the window,” Fera smiled. I obeyed. Cool autumn air flowed in, accompanied by the ancient smell of fire. “Now, step out.”
“What?”
“Open the window,” Fera smiled. I obeyed. Cool autumn air flowed in, accompanied by the ancient smell of fire. “Now, step out.”
“What?”
“Step out,” said Fera, now speaking straight to me. “I’ll catch you.”
A shiver shook me, not knowing whether it was because of the coldness. “I don’t really know. I usually don’t let random guys catch me when I fall.”
“Never?”
“Never,” I repeated. “Well… maybe if I were tripping onto the subway tracks or falling off a roof. But this isn’t that kind of a situation.”
Fera shrugged his shoulder amusedly, stretching out his arms. He was still dressed as he was the last time: a slightly translucent white shirt and XL-sized pants. “We could pretend it is. And I am not random. We have met before.”
“It doesn’t change anything,” I hissed, hearing Nolan utter restlessly in his sleep. I would wake him up any second. I could wake him up any second.
A shiver shook me, not knowing whether it was because of the coldness. “I don’t really know. I usually don’t let random guys catch me when I fall.”
“Never?”
“Never,” I repeated. “Well… maybe if I were tripping onto the subway tracks or falling off a roof. But this isn’t that kind of a situation.”
Fera shrugged his shoulder amusedly, stretching out his arms. He was still dressed as he was the last time: a slightly translucent white shirt and XL-sized pants. “We could pretend it is. And I am not random. We have met before.”
“It doesn’t change anything,” I hissed, hearing Nolan utter restlessly in his sleep. I would wake him up any second. I could wake him up any second.
Fera’s expression didn’t falter. He continued to gesture me to jump. “I am sure you would not wake your friends up for such a pointless reason. Are you afraid?”
“No!” I cried, and my gaze flew paranoid around me. In the darkness I found myself wondering how Nolan could sleep there, surrounded by so many dead things. And I was afraid. But it wasn’t of Fera, not even the world around me. It was myself.
“No!” I cried, and my gaze flew paranoid around me. In the darkness I found myself wondering how Nolan could sleep there, surrounded by so many dead things. And I was afraid. But it wasn’t of Fera, not even the world around me. It was myself.
“Then jump. It is easy. Just one foot after another…”
And the next thing I knew was I had lifted my both legs on the windowsill and struggled hopelessly to keep my balance, to keep me of falling. Knowing what were to happen next, I closed my eyes and screamed soundlessly as I hurled through the air… down into Fera’s arms, laughing uncontrollably.
And the next thing I knew was I had lifted my both legs on the windowsill and struggled hopelessly to keep my balance, to keep me of falling. Knowing what were to happen next, I closed my eyes and screamed soundlessly as I hurled through the air… down into Fera’s arms, laughing uncontrollably.
“What?” He breathed, our bodies trembling with laughter. “Was it that bad?”
“No,” I laughed, still in his arms. “I just flew. That was awesome.”
“Without a catcher like me it could have ended badly,” Fera said, his breath a hot tingle on my neck. “Are you all right?”
“No,” I laughed, still in his arms. “I just flew. That was awesome.”
“Without a catcher like me it could have ended badly,” Fera said, his breath a hot tingle on my neck. “Are you all right?”
And I opened my eyes and saw myself, reflected off the morphing quicksilver in Fera’s eyes. The sight made me stiffen and I pulled us abruptly apart, backing against a hedge. In between the two buildings was a little park filled with cut-to-shape hedge figures: dragons, salamanders, lions, even birds. “I’m all right,” I stuttered, but there was rigidness in me Fera had already seen, and his expression changed.
”You said we needed to talk,” I reminded him before he could say anything. “So let’s get it over with. What is it?”
Fera took a step closer, and I staggered backwards only to find I couldn’t go further. “I came here to apologize,” he said. “That I left you that way. That I said you had no longer my trust. But you have.”
I had to shake my head not to get lost into his eyes. “It doesn’t change things.”
“But it does,” Fera said, sounding momentarily exactly like my conscience. “You can still count on me trusting you. You might not trust me, but I will trust you. And that will not change.”
While I spoke I could hear a little tremble in my tone. “Are you… are you an idiot? We can’t just act like nothing happened.”
Fera only looked at me questioningly, while I could feel adrenaline building inside my veins, my hands getting warm.
Fera took a step closer, and I staggered backwards only to find I couldn’t go further. “I came here to apologize,” he said. “That I left you that way. That I said you had no longer my trust. But you have.”
I had to shake my head not to get lost into his eyes. “It doesn’t change things.”
“But it does,” Fera said, sounding momentarily exactly like my conscience. “You can still count on me trusting you. You might not trust me, but I will trust you. And that will not change.”
While I spoke I could hear a little tremble in my tone. “Are you… are you an idiot? We can’t just act like nothing happened.”
Fera only looked at me questioningly, while I could feel adrenaline building inside my veins, my hands getting warm.
“Don’t say you somehow didn’t know what was to happen,” I said. “That you didn’t believe the fountain would actually have effect. Or that you didn’t give it for me to drink. Because you did. I didn’t want to believe in you, but I have to. You can’t pretend anymore.”
I expected to Fera look at least stunned, that I had yet again managed to hurt someone with words I never intended to say. But he was just like Nolan: calm and steady. They had only one difference. Fera looked understanding. “I have never pretended anything,” he stated. “How come I could pretend to be someone else when I don’t even know who I am?”
He had taken one more step closer to me. The air between us began to tremble, I felt the heat radiating off his skin. “I have only one question,” I voiced, inhaling deeply. “One question you have to answer perfectly honestly. What do you want from me?”
Fera’s answer was simple: with his words he took a step forward. “I want to remember you.” The gap between us grew painfully small. “Every time I see you or think of you, your words or your name, the memory stirs in a corner of my mind. I want you to awaken that memory. If you only talk to me or look at me… allow me close to you. We don’t have to do anything. I only want you close.”
I was breathless, out of words. “But… we can’t just let things be this way. We can’t let you be like this – you don’t belong anywhere. You don’t have a guardian-“
“We can fix that,” Fera seized me, leaning so close we almost touched. “You will take me to the council on Sunday. Four days away. In that time it might be possible for me to even regain my memories. Until that I will survive. I can sleep-“
“NO!” I yelled, now leaping back so I passed the hedge behind me, falling on my back on the wet morning grass. “You can’t sleep in some… some ditch out there. You can’t risk your life like that. You know nothing of this world.”
This time Fera didn’t follow me. Behind the hedge I could still see him from the chest upward. “You could help me. You could teach me.”
“I don’t think I know more of this world than you do,” I breathed as I rose up. “And even though I would… I just couldn’t.”
Fera’s answer was simple: with his words he took a step forward. “I want to remember you.” The gap between us grew painfully small. “Every time I see you or think of you, your words or your name, the memory stirs in a corner of my mind. I want you to awaken that memory. If you only talk to me or look at me… allow me close to you. We don’t have to do anything. I only want you close.”
I was breathless, out of words. “But… we can’t just let things be this way. We can’t let you be like this – you don’t belong anywhere. You don’t have a guardian-“
“We can fix that,” Fera seized me, leaning so close we almost touched. “You will take me to the council on Sunday. Four days away. In that time it might be possible for me to even regain my memories. Until that I will survive. I can sleep-“
“NO!” I yelled, now leaping back so I passed the hedge behind me, falling on my back on the wet morning grass. “You can’t sleep in some… some ditch out there. You can’t risk your life like that. You know nothing of this world.”
This time Fera didn’t follow me. Behind the hedge I could still see him from the chest upward. “You could help me. You could teach me.”
“I don’t think I know more of this world than you do,” I breathed as I rose up. “And even though I would… I just couldn’t.”
“You don’t trust me,” he phrased expressionlessly. “Why is that?”
My words were nothing more than a weary sigh. “What makes you think I don’t trust you?”
“You-“
“Stop it,” I said as I approached him. “Don’t talk. Don’t say or do anything. Just listen to me. I… since the beginning, when I first saw you, I recognized you. It’s because children of the wind tend to have visions. And I’ve visioned you, visioned us and never understood them. I’ve been thinking they were warnings, because there’s a forsaken maniac after me and, to be blunt, everyone else thinks you and he are on the same side. But it… it’s not all about you. You’re part of something else. I don’t know if it’s good… but I don’t know if it’s bad either. I’m afraid of you. Because I can’t decide what you are.”
“You-“
“Stop it,” I said as I approached him. “Don’t talk. Don’t say or do anything. Just listen to me. I… since the beginning, when I first saw you, I recognized you. It’s because children of the wind tend to have visions. And I’ve visioned you, visioned us and never understood them. I’ve been thinking they were warnings, because there’s a forsaken maniac after me and, to be blunt, everyone else thinks you and he are on the same side. But it… it’s not all about you. You’re part of something else. I don’t know if it’s good… but I don’t know if it’s bad either. I’m afraid of you. Because I can’t decide what you are.”
“But how could anything…” Fera’s voice reduced to a whisper as he lended a hand to help me over the hedge, “That feels good, be bad?”
I took his hand with mixed emotions, and thought about what Severina had said: about the fountain showing me Fera’s soul, how he was deep inside. But before I could let him help me over, I heard a distant yell from above us. Rilla. “Hilla?”
“When you succeed in making a decision, call me. If you will, I will answer.”
Then he disappeared like his figure was wiped away, leaving behind nothing but the smudged traces of black his shoes had left behind.
Then he disappeared like his figure was wiped away, leaving behind nothing but the smudged traces of black his shoes had left behind.
I remained staring incredulously at the spot he had been standing in, now warm in morning light. My skin burned where the thorns had stung, but the pain was nothing compared to the confusion inside. Fera’s words made me finally realize why I had chosen to accept my bisexuality in the beginning, even chosen to date girls instead.
My mamma had always told me there would be a man to hurt you.
“I’m here, Rilla.”
There was a crash and a curse – perhaps Rilla had knocked out another knife collection, before her head emerged out of the window and her expression filled with bewilderment. “What are you doing there?”
There was a cough as I shook the leaves off my hair. “I sleepwalk, you knew that? It happens sometimes when I have visions. I just remember I went to sleep over there, and when I woke up,” I shrugged, “I was here.”
Rilla’s jaw dropped, and for a second she was frozen as if she had just seen the world’s largest phallus. “You fell out of the window? And you lived?”
“I’m a wind child,” I mumbled, scratching my neck. “I know falling. I survived with a scratch.”
“A scratch?” Rilla cried, looking panicked. “There’s a long bleeding wound from your temple to your jaw!”
There was a crash and a curse – perhaps Rilla had knocked out another knife collection, before her head emerged out of the window and her expression filled with bewilderment. “What are you doing there?”
There was a cough as I shook the leaves off my hair. “I sleepwalk, you knew that? It happens sometimes when I have visions. I just remember I went to sleep over there, and when I woke up,” I shrugged, “I was here.”
Rilla’s jaw dropped, and for a second she was frozen as if she had just seen the world’s largest phallus. “You fell out of the window? And you lived?”
“I’m a wind child,” I mumbled, scratching my neck. “I know falling. I survived with a scratch.”
“A scratch?” Rilla cried, looking panicked. “There’s a long bleeding wound from your temple to your jaw!”
My hand flew instinctively on my cheek, my hand suddenly stained of blood. “Oh,” I went pale. “Maybe it’s better for me to come up.”
Accompanied by a series of nods and wide eyes like two blue marbles, Rilla spoke. “I’ll throw you a ladder.”
She disappeared from the window, and the second after I could already see a ladder thrown outside the window. It clashed with the downstairs window, and as I began to climb I caught a glimpse of two shocked seniors who apparently had been in the middle of something.
Accompanied by a series of nods and wide eyes like two blue marbles, Rilla spoke. “I’ll throw you a ladder.”
She disappeared from the window, and the second after I could already see a ladder thrown outside the window. It clashed with the downstairs window, and as I began to climb I caught a glimpse of two shocked seniors who apparently had been in the middle of something.
As I finally had my feet on indoor floor instead of slippery morning grass I sighed with relief. Nolan was still sound asleep in his sultan bed under heavy satin curtains. Rilla, however, looked like she hadn’t slept any bit. She seemed uneasy, even nervous. I saw her pick up an exotic fruit out of Nolan’s kitchen basket, but she didn’t eat it – only fiddled it in her hands like it could relieve her stress. I took a banana and had already peeled it half way when I noticed Rilla stared absently at the distance, at where he and Chyse had been sleeping.
“By the way,” she began in an anguished tone, “Was Chyse there with you?”
“No, why?”
“Because he isn’t here,” Rilla answered, her gaze flying around as if she could find a sign of him: the traces of his tracks, a note, anything. “He’s gone.”
“What?” I asked, my appetite suddenly gone. “He can’t just have left. Why would he leave like that? Are you sure he didn’t just sleepwalk into another room?”
“Positively,” Rilla said, walking to a door with a scrawny sign MEN’S ROOM on it and throwing it open. The bathroom was empty. Even the second bedroom which consisted of a floor bed and a pile of satin cushions was vacant. Chyse’s clothes were thrown all around and Rilla’s black bra hung off an unlit chandelier.
“No, why?”
“Because he isn’t here,” Rilla answered, her gaze flying around as if she could find a sign of him: the traces of his tracks, a note, anything. “He’s gone.”
“What?” I asked, my appetite suddenly gone. “He can’t just have left. Why would he leave like that? Are you sure he didn’t just sleepwalk into another room?”
“Positively,” Rilla said, walking to a door with a scrawny sign MEN’S ROOM on it and throwing it open. The bathroom was empty. Even the second bedroom which consisted of a floor bed and a pile of satin cushions was vacant. Chyse’s clothes were thrown all around and Rilla’s black bra hung off an unlit chandelier.
“He can’t just have left on town in his bare boxer shorts,” I acknowledged. “Even though he might have a nice ass, it isn’t a reason-“
“He’s my boyfriend,” Rilla reminded me, her eyes wild. “Don’t forget it.”
“What about the tunnels?” I suggested after a short pause. “I know it’s nothing like him, but we can’t count out that possibility.”
Rilla ejaculated a cry of frustration. “I hate this! I hate not knowing what is to happen, I hate feeling guilty. I hate it I hate it!”
“Calm down,” I cooed, taking a grip of Rilla’s shoulders. “You’ll wake Nolan up.”
“Fuck Nolan,” Rilla spat, pushing me aside. “I’m sick of holding back my emotions. I HATE THIS!”
“He’s my boyfriend,” Rilla reminded me, her eyes wild. “Don’t forget it.”
“What about the tunnels?” I suggested after a short pause. “I know it’s nothing like him, but we can’t count out that possibility.”
Rilla ejaculated a cry of frustration. “I hate this! I hate not knowing what is to happen, I hate feeling guilty. I hate it I hate it!”
“Calm down,” I cooed, taking a grip of Rilla’s shoulders. “You’ll wake Nolan up.”
“Fuck Nolan,” Rilla spat, pushing me aside. “I’m sick of holding back my emotions. I HATE THIS!”
And then she fell on her knees, sobbing uncontrollably, and I took her in my arms just like I had done before, letting her choke back her tears.
“I was going to take him to the party,” Rilla sobbed. “We already had it all planned. Now I’ll have to go all alone.”
I froze momentarily. “What party?”
“The Elemental feast,” a different voice answered. Nolan. He stood at the kitchen door, juggling with two passion fruits. “A festival which is held every each council summoning. The guardians take turns in organizing it. This time it’s going to be organized by Cheres.”
“An earth party?” I repeated incredulously. “When?”
“Tonight, for it is Tuesday. The day of earth. They’ve been held as long as the council has existed. They’re just not such a big deal these days. It’s more of a teenage jubilee these days.”
“We were going to invite you, too,” Rilla said, wiping her eyes. “But there came more serious things. Chyse was going to be my avec.”
“But Nolan could be your avec,” I suggested, understanding the meaning of the word though I had never really studied French. “Circus isn’t coming.”
“Then who are you going with?” Rilla asked.
I froze momentarily. “What party?”
“The Elemental feast,” a different voice answered. Nolan. He stood at the kitchen door, juggling with two passion fruits. “A festival which is held every each council summoning. The guardians take turns in organizing it. This time it’s going to be organized by Cheres.”
“An earth party?” I repeated incredulously. “When?”
“Tonight, for it is Tuesday. The day of earth. They’ve been held as long as the council has existed. They’re just not such a big deal these days. It’s more of a teenage jubilee these days.”
“We were going to invite you, too,” Rilla said, wiping her eyes. “But there came more serious things. Chyse was going to be my avec.”
“But Nolan could be your avec,” I suggested, understanding the meaning of the word though I had never really studied French. “Circus isn’t coming.”
“Then who are you going with?” Rilla asked.
“Nobody, I guess,” I answered. “And I don’t think I’ll be going after all. With all this stuff going on.”
Nolan furrowed his eyebrows but his tone was reassuring. “You don’t have to worry about seeing your father there. The guardians don’t go to the feasts nowadays. They hate looking after all those drunken teenagers.”
“They’re like designated drivers,” I compared. “Won’t they at least pick their earthlings up?”
Nolan furrowed his eyebrows but his tone was reassuring. “You don’t have to worry about seeing your father there. The guardians don’t go to the feasts nowadays. They hate looking after all those drunken teenagers.”
“They’re like designated drivers,” I compared. “Won’t they at least pick their earthlings up?”
“Not really,” answered Nolan. “I believe even Cheres himself won’t bother. They will be held at his palace, but he will be staying outside – or inside, locked in his room, perhaps. I assure you: all these years I’ve been there there’s been no single guardian at sight. You could need a party. You look very exhausted.”
“Jeez,” I sighed, taking a bite out of my banana. “You got me persuaded. Are there any preconditions?”
“There’s a dress code,” Rilla said, now back to her feet. “Something earthly.”
“Jeez,” I sighed, taking a bite out of my banana. “You got me persuaded. Are there any preconditions?”
“There’s a dress code,” Rilla said, now back to her feet. “Something earthly.”
I gave a laugh. “I think I look earthly enough,” I said, pointing at my scar and the leaves on my jacket. “I’ll go like this.”
“In this sort of situation Talia would cry,” Rilla told. “If she shows up, we can’t risk that. We have to buy you a dress.”
“Meine Güte,” I huffed as I threw my hands up. “Do you really think she will show up?”
“Talia wouldn’t miss a party from any price,” Rilla smiled. “I just can’t believe the same of Chyse.”
A sigh escaped between her lips and Nolan frowned wearily. “Let’s just get some breakfast.”
He threw Rilla a pineapple, turning towards me with a laugh.
“In this sort of situation Talia would cry,” Rilla told. “If she shows up, we can’t risk that. We have to buy you a dress.”
“Meine Güte,” I huffed as I threw my hands up. “Do you really think she will show up?”
“Talia wouldn’t miss a party from any price,” Rilla smiled. “I just can’t believe the same of Chyse.”
A sigh escaped between her lips and Nolan frowned wearily. “Let’s just get some breakfast.”
He threw Rilla a pineapple, turning towards me with a laugh.
“You should see your expression. For the sake of the Elementals, I’m a guy who collects dead animals and dangerous weapons. What’s so strange in a pineapple?”
And with a smirk he escaped into the men’s room, looking briefly just like his best friend.
And with a smirk he escaped into the men’s room, looking briefly just like his best friend.
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