and of course my empty hour went today in the student council meeting and i couldn't write a single word. nevertheless, i've been thinking of continuing and been worried about getting it ready: my test weeks starts wednesday and i have to begin reading already this weekend. my goal for now is 40000 words, now i've got 33000. today i'll be posting chapter 17, key words: romance! teenage angst! a party! i hope this chapter will be as enjoyable for you to read as it was for me to write.
Chapter Seventeen
“Severina,” Fera repeated deliriously, his eyes full of light. “Who is she?”
A blank film flashed beneath my sight; broken pictures like negatives, Severina in her almost-white hair and ebony eyes. Who was Severina? What was she more than the guardian of Darkness, my mentor? A woman who seemed so ageless like Aurora, yet she wasn’t much older than me. Eighteen years ago, when I was five, I opened my eyes in Kaiya. Twenty-three. A woman who had known Aurora for ages, but through her also known me. Severina, who was as much a mystery as a whole new world.
“She is the guardian of Darkness,” I replied. I imagined a hint of confusion in his expression. “The guardians – they sort of… guard this world.”
“You are being very thorough,” Fera smiled dryly. I continued, gritting my teeth. Severina. Severina. Her white hair flowed free in my mind’s eye, but she had turned her back on me, and I couldn’t see her eyes. “She’s my mentor. She taught me win-“ I broke off, “Nightbending.”
“Winnightbending? That sounds interesting.” Fera’s eyebrows arched in attention. “But Darkness is not your element.”
“You are being very thorough,” Fera smiled dryly. I continued, gritting my teeth. Severina. Severina. Her white hair flowed free in my mind’s eye, but she had turned her back on me, and I couldn’t see her eyes. “She’s my mentor. She taught me win-“ I broke off, “Nightbending.”
“Winnightbending? That sounds interesting.” Fera’s eyebrows arched in attention. “But Darkness is not your element.”
I recoiled, coughing as if I had taken a too big bite. “Of course it is. Why would I claim something else?”
But Fera didn’t answer. He had bored his eyes onto minee. They were bright and thoughtful, his gaze steady. “You don’t look very well. Is there something you need? Water?”
But Fera didn’t answer. He had bored his eyes onto minee. They were bright and thoughtful, his gaze steady. “You don’t look very well. Is there something you need? Water?”
Fera pulled out a filled cup, almost as if it had been there waiting for me. The water looked dreamy, like a sleeping potion… of endless sleep. “No!”
“Why not?” Fera asked, turning around. “Oh,” he laughed carelessly. “The fountain of Light. Did you really believe what I said? The fountain of Truth? It is nothing but a legend.”
“Why not?” Fera asked, turning around. “Oh,” he laughed carelessly. “The fountain of Light. Did you really believe what I said? The fountain of Truth? It is nothing but a legend.”
“I can’t risk it,” I stammered. “I don’t trust you enough.”
Another laugh escaped between his lips, this time only a murmur. “Trust? Me? Why not? We have nothing to lose.”
Another laugh escaped between his lips, this time only a murmur. “Trust? Me? Why not? We have nothing to lose.”
My eyes rested on Fera’s hands, still holding the bowl of water. Something in the graceful steadiness of his grip made me jaded. I could never hold anything without my hands shaking. “We might never see each other again,” Fera mentioned, leaning closer. His words were a hot puff of air against my cheek. “Only tonight. Let’s spend the night together.”
My eyes flew open and I managed a helpless stutter. “Sorry. I’m more into girls these days.”
But Fera’s face wasn’t a smirk, nor his eyes full of glee. “I did not mean it like that,” he said, a genuine regret flushing his cheeks pink. “I thought about this.”
But Fera’s face wasn’t a smirk, nor his eyes full of glee. “I did not mean it like that,” he said, a genuine regret flushing his cheeks pink. “I thought about this.”
Then his hands spread wide in a broad, theatrical gesture, as if he was to perform an aria. “Look at this town,” he spoke. His expression was rhapsodic. It reminded me of the way mamma had sometimes bended over the balcony edge to look at the lights of the city – her city. “This is the only place in the world where someone can truly be free. It is something I feel deep in my soul.”
I don’t think you really know that, I thought, even amused by the emphasis he gave his words, as if he were persuading me to join him start a revolution or sail to the very edge of the world. But then again, I compared The Cities to my city on Earth, knowing it was different indeed. On Earth, when my mamma died, I had thought of finally being free, with no-one to care for me, no-one to tell me what to do, where to go, when to come home. But it had felt nothing like that. I had felt even more imprisoned than ever before.
“What do you think?” Fera questioned. Free. In Kaiya, the chains of mamma’s death held me no more. There was only myself. “One night.” Only tonight.
But no answer came out of my mouth.
“Are you afraid?”
I was Hilary Messing. I was eighteen years old. My mamma, Joy Messing died of suicide. My father-
“Why are you afraid?”
Aurora was my guardian. She taught me my element was wind. But Severina was my mentor, who taught me the ways of this world. Talia, Rilla, Chyse and Nolan – were somehow, my friends. Circus was a mystery. Fera… Fera was a complete stranger who was in the same situation as Talia had once been. He made me feel-
“What do you fear?”
Inside my mind there was a crash. Amidst all those people around me, entwined in lifelines not my own I had forgotten the most important thing.
Inside my mind there was a crash. Amidst all those people around me, entwined in lifelines not my own I had forgotten the most important thing.
“Hilary?”
I awoke myself with a shake of my head. Without me noticing, Fera had laid his palm on my thigh. It hadn’t felt uncomfortable before. Not until now: his touch made my blood race and my skin tingle with heat.
“I was just thinking…” I blinked, turning my head back to look away from him. My shoulders had gone stiff. “You know, I’m Hilary. I’m bisexual, if it’s still unclear to you. I’ve been in Pride parades, dressed up as something my nemesis would call a rainbow unicorn. I don’t do things as other people do. I dress up differently. I got a piercing. I listen to bands no-one knows. Not to mention that I actually find arithmetic fun.” I sighed. “People don’t like me because of these things: that I watch a Finnish kids TV-show with walking-and-talking hippopotamuses and speak fluent German without ever taking lessons of it. Mention my appearance: apparently nowadays girls aren’t allowed to have short hair. Or be as tall as I am. I always thought these things made me who I am, that I just wasn’t meant to be like the others or belong. All those years I never stopped to think why I was like that or what was my purpose in that world. All those years I was so busy of minding the other people around me, too stuck in their worlds to remind me of who I really was. And now I’ve forgotten.”
Fera looked at me his face only a plain question mark, nothing else.
Fera looked at me his face only a plain question mark, nothing else.
“I’ve forgotten myself,” I breathed, looking at my own hands. My hands were large and short-nailed, the hands of a craftswoman. “And why the hell am I telling you this? Because I’m free.”
“Just like me,” Fera whispered.
“Just like me,” Fera whispered.
Then our gazes met, and for a time which was maybe no longer than a hundredth of a second, I understood how the worlds worked, how all was only constant movement from one place to another: galaxies colliding, particles coming together and separating again.
I turned my eyes away first. I still felt Fera’s stare like a hot iron branding my neck. The nightmare of him had become distant. Now, as hard as I tried, I still couldn’t make the razors in his eyes spin again.
“I guess I just revealed more secrets than I should,” I exhaled, thus remaining myself I shouldn’t go too far. “So… Is our agreement still valid? Secret for a secret?”
Fera’s smile was faint and distant. Momentarily he reminded me of a lighthouse: his usual expression was blank, very emotionless, but changed occasionally into a blinding smile which wiped away as fast as it had appeared. “The greatest of secrets can be expressed by the smallest of words,” he recited. The things you told me, they weren’t secrets. They were reality.”
For my own surprise, his words didn’t hurt me. “To me they were secrets. I never told them to anyone.”
“You were only unlucky,” said Fera. “To me, the greatest of secrets are the things intentionally kept away. In some cases to prevent pain, but mostly to protect one’s self. Between you and me, I hate secrets.”
I took a change of position, now sitting on my knees, leaning against the fountain. If I reached out, I could touch the surface. High above the city the sky had turned black, dotted with stars, but the fountain reflected none of them: only subdued them with its own light.
Fera’s smile was faint and distant. Momentarily he reminded me of a lighthouse: his usual expression was blank, very emotionless, but changed occasionally into a blinding smile which wiped away as fast as it had appeared. “The greatest of secrets can be expressed by the smallest of words,” he recited. The things you told me, they weren’t secrets. They were reality.”
For my own surprise, his words didn’t hurt me. “To me they were secrets. I never told them to anyone.”
“You were only unlucky,” said Fera. “To me, the greatest of secrets are the things intentionally kept away. In some cases to prevent pain, but mostly to protect one’s self. Between you and me, I hate secrets.”
I took a change of position, now sitting on my knees, leaning against the fountain. If I reached out, I could touch the surface. High above the city the sky had turned black, dotted with stars, but the fountain reflected none of them: only subdued them with its own light.
This is the fountain of Light, Fera’s voice rang in my head. Is it said, that one who drinks of the water is to reveal all their secrets.
“Is it possible…” I began, carefully dipping my fingers through the surface of gold, “That something I wouldn’t know would be a secret?”
Fera’s tone grew curious. “How come?”
“Just a thought,” I said. “In case the fountain was more than just a legend… it could help resolving thoughts. The human mind is full of secrets. What if every thought is a secret?”
Fera’s tone grew curious. “How come?”
“Just a thought,” I said. “In case the fountain was more than just a legend… it could help resolving thoughts. The human mind is full of secrets. What if every thought is a secret?”
But Fera didn’t answer. His back was turned on her, his eyes far away. We were alone on the square. There was nothing I could hear except the steady flow of water, nothing I could see except Fera. Even the traffic was long gone. I noticed that part of the city didn’t have cars. I wondered how the people could ever sleep with so many lights on. Somewhere far away I could hear a distant melody – the sound of music. Some subconscious part of me started to listen to the words, the notes, as if I could recognize a familiar song… and Fera’s words were only words to me.
“It’s just a legend… If thoughts could be secrets, I could use it to retrieve my memory. Or in prospect, it could drive me mad.”
Somehow unconsciously I noticed I had stood up, my senses sharp, reminding myself of some sort of animal sniffing the air for danger. I looked dazedly at the fountain water, as if the music came from within, felt a sudden urge to dive…
But it wasn’t the fountain. It was something behind it.
Right at the edge of the square I spotted a set of double doors I hadn’t noticed before. They were wide open and a bright light shone from within, and somewhere behind, shadows stirred.
“If we’re aiming to spend the night together,” I said in a voice which wasn’t mine, gesturing towards the open doors, “We have to do this the right way. You led me here, now it’s my turn. Follow me.”
“There?” Fera questioned, fiddling with something shiny in between his hands – maybe still the cup. I nodded joyously, smiling an arch. “We’ll set this city alight.”
“There?” Fera questioned, fiddling with something shiny in between his hands – maybe still the cup. I nodded joyously, smiling an arch. “We’ll set this city alight.”
“Alight?”
I cried, throwing my hands behind my head in despair. “I was speaking figuratively.”
I cried, throwing my hands behind my head in despair. “I was speaking figuratively.”
And it was my turn to take Fera’s hand.
It came very soon clear where the blinding light had come from. The tunnel walls were coated with flicks of diamonds and beneath the floor tiles there was a inner light, like we were walking on glass alit from underneath. I remember we ran, the music pulsing all around us, sending waves of energy which made me feel more alive than ever. I laughed like I was a child again, not caring whether someone cast a suspicious glance on me, not caring what Fera thought of me. I was happy.
We took the turns which felt right, wandering deeper into the maze of tunnels which crossed each other, all of different color and feeling. One tunnel was green with vines growing on the walls and a dirt floor, leading into a world of a living jungle. We followed another tunnel, one which smelled like fire and was lit by flaming torches all around. The music came louder every second, until the tunnel widened and led us into a wide structure like a cave. There were people everywhere – swaying bodies all around, thumping with the rhythm of the music, an ancient rhythm like the blood in our veins.
The firelight reflected of Fera’s eyes like a passionate torch. There was something in his eyes, an intriguing willpower which flashed on every time he looked at me. “You enjoy this place, don’t you?”
“That’s not a secret,” I smiled, rocking myself with the rhythm; an instinctive reaction I couldn’t stop. A smile crept on Fera’s lips, too; in a slow, determined manner. “I hate secrets.”
“That’s not a secret,” I smiled, rocking myself with the rhythm; an instinctive reaction I couldn’t stop. A smile crept on Fera’s lips, too; in a slow, determined manner. “I hate secrets.”
For once in my life I felt lucky to be as tall as I am – my pink combats made me even taller than usual, and it was easy to steer over the dancing crowd like I was a human submarine. Behind the dancing flock of kaiyans I spotted something familiar: or someone. There was a huge doorway by the other wall – maybe the entrance of another tunnel. Two women with war-paint streaks on their cheeks stood wildly on the doors, holding long burning spears like flaming javelins. I had no time to explain, but as I elbowed my way through the crowd, Fera followed me. We passed the javelin-women without problem: maybe they only checked bags for dangerous weapons. I had nothing with me except than an electric blue dress Talia had borrowed me, pockets empty.
Once we entered the larger space I know I had lost who I was looking for. Inside there was a large stage where a woman with long hair like flames swung back and forth behind the microphone, reminding me of Rilla. People were carrying drinks of every color, but as soon the red stagelights flashed on with a new song all was only red and black.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” Fera asked, finding a calmer spot from the edges of the room. “I find it hard to talk here with the music so loud.”
Fera was correct, but something in the music – the way the tones seemed to knit invisible heaven, was irresistible; it only made me want more. “We have plenty of time,” I exclaimed, knowing I had to yell to make myself heard. “Or is there something important you have to tell?”
For a swift second there was unease in Fera’s expression, but it turned into its usual bluntness as soon. “I guess I would rather just keep thinking about my past,” he voiced. “That is how insomnia is.” And then he shrugged, turning around as if he were accepting a present from someone, offering me a veil of a liquid of unknown color – it looked red in the light. “Do you want something to drink? I heard this is good.”
Next to me three guys and a girl were in the middle of some sort of drinking game – the girl with short black curls took a swag of strawberry liquor. “I guess it won’t be any harm,” I mumbled, taking the vial to my lips, cutting abruptly. “But only if I won’t have to drink alone.”
“I am not sure how smart drinking is for an amnesiac,” Fera laughed, staring at one of the guys who was apparently in the middle of some insane drunken story. “But I will cheer with you.”
He pulled out another vial from his pocket – where did he get those from? and rose it up so it clinked together with mine. “To tonight,” he cheered, and I joined him. The bright liquid went down my throat with only a few gulps. It tasted like nothing at first – like it had no alcohol in it at all.
Fera was correct, but something in the music – the way the tones seemed to knit invisible heaven, was irresistible; it only made me want more. “We have plenty of time,” I exclaimed, knowing I had to yell to make myself heard. “Or is there something important you have to tell?”
For a swift second there was unease in Fera’s expression, but it turned into its usual bluntness as soon. “I guess I would rather just keep thinking about my past,” he voiced. “That is how insomnia is.” And then he shrugged, turning around as if he were accepting a present from someone, offering me a veil of a liquid of unknown color – it looked red in the light. “Do you want something to drink? I heard this is good.”
Next to me three guys and a girl were in the middle of some sort of drinking game – the girl with short black curls took a swag of strawberry liquor. “I guess it won’t be any harm,” I mumbled, taking the vial to my lips, cutting abruptly. “But only if I won’t have to drink alone.”
“I am not sure how smart drinking is for an amnesiac,” Fera laughed, staring at one of the guys who was apparently in the middle of some insane drunken story. “But I will cheer with you.”
He pulled out another vial from his pocket – where did he get those from? and rose it up so it clinked together with mine. “To tonight,” he cheered, and I joined him. The bright liquid went down my throat with only a few gulps. It tasted like nothing at first – like it had no alcohol in it at all.
Then I looked at myself.
My veins had darkened momentarily, sharpening so I could see every single of them, even the smallest ones I never spotted. A sudden dizziness made the world spin. I felt the liquid mix with my blood, pounding and spreading all around my body, in my toes, my fingertips. The aftertaste of the drink exploded in my mouth. It was like nothing I had ever tasted. It tasted like impossible things – of life, truth and light.
Suddenly the music was no longer music. The song had changed from a vital race to an ethereal symphony of breaking crystal and falling stars. The light had changed from red and black into luminous prisms of color, and instead of people I was dancing with transparent figures which no longer danced – they flared like burning flames, darting in my vision as rays of red, blue, green, silver and gold. Fera’s silver eyes had changed – they were no longer silver, but completely white and radiant. When he spoke, his words were like music.
“The night…” I vocalized, noticing my voice rang more in my head than it came in between my lips. “It’s beautiful.”
Fera smiled, his whole figure flickering. Somehow I feared he was as fragile as he looked like, as easily put out like a tiny candle.
Fera smiled, his whole figure flickering. Somehow I feared he was as fragile as he looked like, as easily put out like a tiny candle.
“This is the world as I dream it,” he spoke. The room spun around me, and a feeling gathered inside me – inside my head, as if my brain were expanding out of its boundaries. The view stretched, expanded, and I more felt than saw the figures in the room stir, knew when someone entered or left the space, how bodies rocked against each other and lifelines crossed, souls entwined.
“Hilary,” I felt Fera breathe, his voice trembling my soul, making me flicker like a silver lantern. We stood close like children sharing secrets together, his breath tickling my auricles. “Who are you?”
And the night ignited.
And the night ignited.
ja kurkkaus seuraavaan lukuun / and a sneak-peak to the next chapter:
I felt like Luke Skywalker from Star Wars.
DO NOT WANT
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